Square Enix finally released the full trailer for Shadowbringers this weekend, and with it the reveal of a new job – Dancer. We now have at least two new jobs arriving in June along with new tank Gunbreaker.
There’s no doubt a band of new adventurers will be journeying to Eorzea in the coming months, so here’s a nice little ranking of who’s hot and who’s not in the world of Final Fantasy XIV.
The show-offs of Eorzea. These guys think they’re hot sh*t, even though they have the IQ of a goldfish. Dragoons love nothing more than to stand in AoE attacks and tank the floor. You could be the best Dragoon in existence and STILL nobody would take you seriously.
Occupied by anime nerds who think their life is a story arc from Naruto. For a class that prides itself on being stealthy, Ninjas are bloody everywhere.
The most boring of tanks. Sword and shield? Boring. Making sure your teammates stay alive? Boring. Paladins probably eat Bran Flakes for breakfast.
12. Black Mage
Fire. Fire. Fire. Fire. Blizzard. Fire. Fire. Fire. Fire. Blizzard. Black Mages could be interesting and genuinely badass (a lá Lulu from Final Fantasy X), but there’s an awful lot of bells and whistles for a class that has only mastered two elements.
Who fights with their bare hands? Grow up.
Summoners are like that one kid in group projects who does no work but acts like the group would fall apart without them. Summoners just like to kick back and let their carbuncle minion do all the heavy lifting for them. Summoners can go away, but leave the carbuncle please.
9. Red Mage
Magic? Weapons? Red Mages can’t really make their mind up. Nobody likes a know-it-all, and Red Mages are exactly that. Specialise in one or the other, you adaptable, useful jerks.
Warriors like to think they’re important with their big axe, but they’re undeniably the worst tanks around. They usually have a macro set up for Berserk because EVERYBODY MUST KNOW THAT THEY’VE POPPED BERSERK.
The less trashy anime nerd pick, Samurai are cool, calm and collected. They’re flashy, but not too flashy.
6. Dark Knight
The dark and broody tank, Dark Knights probably listen to Linkin Park in between fights. Dark Knights are arguably the biggest show-offs of the tanking classes, but they’re also the coolest tanks so they have every right to be.
Like Summoner, the Scholar is nothing without assistance from its pet. Step 1: Summon pet. Step 2: Follow pet. Step 3: Profit. The only thing Scholar has over a White Mage is their spell book is pretty dope.
4. White Mage
The OG healer, White Mages are the glue that hold parties together. White Mages have the patience of a saint. They deal with your sh*t on a regular basis, even when you’re being an idiot and taking unnecessary damage and then screaming “WHY AREN’T YOU HEALING ME? WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?” while running around in AoE attacks like a headless chicken. Appreciate your healers more, you heathens.
Guns. GUNS GUNS GUNS! Machinists are basically masochistic Bards. Machinists are unhinged, and will probably set the enemy on fire. And you.
The Machinist’s more sophisticated sibling, Bards are silky-voiced angels sent down from heaven. Everyone knows bows are superior to guns, but not everyone knows a bow can also be a harp. Only Bards could come up with something so incredibly elegant. Also, have you ever seen an ugly Bard? I think not. Bards are hot.
What’s cooler than using ASTROLOGY to buff and heal your party? Not only do Astrologians have the coolest weapon, but their gear is fancy as all hell, too. People will complain and tell you to switch to White Mage, but don’t listen to those haters. Astrologians are way better. In fact, they’re the best.
So there you have it. Objectively the worst to best classes in Eorzea. You can take this as an opinion piece, but you’re probably a Dragoon if you do (sorry, but not sorry).